Love or Self Respect

In the war of love and self respect, love always wins. At least the few cases i have seen in my life, it gave the same result. And it again happened yesterday.

I along with my friend went to my brother's house yesterday to spend Sunday. There is a girl, sweet, innocent, so-so by looks, who was preparing Luchi-Mangsho for us. I have seen her many times before with my brother, whenever i ask him about their relationship, he always said that there is nothing serious.

I don’t know what happened yesterday to me and my friend; we suddenly decided to make some relationship clear. We have made this in past also when we feel that either one of them is not understanding the value of other. In this case we realized that my brother is not feeling the importance of her presence in his life. We moved to a conversation thinking that we can make him realize his true feelings about the girl and they will be in a 'committed' relationship.

We had a little chat with the girl and then attacked my brother with lots of why-s and how-s and when-s. He somehow got puzzled, we helped him to come out from the puzzle and take a decision. That was the toughest moment for us to face. My brother said after a 2 long hr discussion that he has no feelings for the girl. The girl was sitting just in front of him. She was weeping. And then left silently.

We became silent. I was feeling that the surrounding temperature gone bit high and no-one can become free. My brother started listening sad songs and the girl was weeping at her window. We don’t know how to handle this situation. But the thing we were realizing that after saying 'No' to the girl my brother is missing her terribly. Then we plan to go out for dinner. My friend and I was discussing that if the girl can hold herself apart for at least 2 days, my brother will be able to understand her importance in his life. But there came the twist.

We reached a restaurant to have dinner in the evening. i said my brother to invite her also. She gladly accepted the invitation. She came and herself said sorry to my brother I don’t know why. She said she cannot stay apart from him in spite of knowing that there is no feeling for her. It was unexpected for me as well as my friend. At least we thought that the girl can fight with her self respect for two days at least. She could not. The feelings, that was growing in my brothers mind stopped at that moment. We had dinner. Then returned home. A known thing i realized again that in the war of love and self respect, love always wins. No matter how much self respect got hurt.

Chaplin - A Must Watch for DADDYs

Yesterday I was watching "Chaplin", a Bengali movie and when the movie was over I was overwhelmed with the acting part. Story is very predictable. No twist and all. But the when it comes to the acting part Rudraneel was just amazing.

Rudraneel is now become such an actor who can be compared as Rabi Ghosh or Jahor Roy. He don’t have heroic face and frankly not suitable for any Commercial spicy movie. But for semi commercial or art movies he is just top of the all. I am not a great fan of Rudraneel and what I heard from my friends who have worked with him, in personal life he is rude, he is arogant. But what should I bother about his personal life? As an actor he has reached in such a level that these days any upcoming actor is dreaming off. Those who have seen "Galpo holeo Sotti"(Hindi version is 'Bawarchi' lead by Rajesh Khanna) by Rabi Ghosh, hope they all will say that, that role cannot be done anyone else not even but the legend Uttam Kumar. Same like this Chaplin, No one can do i feel rather than Rudraneel.

I am not a critic. But the films touches, i express my views here. I have seen "22-se Srabon" also. But over that I liked Chaplin.

Now what I gained from the movie? For last few days I was worried about Salary, Credit card bills and all. After seeing this I realized there are people who can still smile having a cup of water and a bun in their hand and they even make people smile. We always talk about mother. Of course mother is next to god. But after seeing this I am inspired to be a good father who instead of all anxieties tries to make his baby smile. Thirdly, Personal life is more precious than professional life. If you are a successful family man, you will be doing well in your profession as well. Last but not the list who says to clear your eyes from dust, clear your face and use cold water to your eyes, my personal suggestion is to them, cry sometime. If you don’t cry hard, weep. It will clear your eyes and heart both.

Even after reading my own blog i fell that I sounded like a sentimental geek. But sometimes I feel, its good to be emotional, it’s good to be what you are actually.

Insomnia Returns

It’s been a long time when I didn’t write anything. And today insomnia returned and while having a sleepless night, I found something to write. Let’s have some intellectual talk. After a long time I am still awake. It’s 3.16 A.M. Last time it was on a purpose. Last time it was having a whole night roam with friends to Kolkata puja pandals.

Here I am not to share my puja experience. I cannot explain it in words. It was so good apart from the last day evening. I am not a caring guy inborn. Not even had good sense of humour. All I have right now; I invented and pushed in myself. I still don’t know if someone is getting bored in front of me, how to cheer him/her up. I felt bad when she was feeling bore and I could not cheer her up. I felt she acted to smile, because it was our last meet before my returning. This is the situation where I jealous one of my class mates in college and one of my friends in my locality. How I wish if I had a good sense of humour. This I think my improvement area.

2nd area of improvement is little difficult for me as I am a very silent kind of person. If I don’t like something, I cannot say that face to face. It’s not because what the opposite person gonna think. It’s because something make me silent. I tried so many times to speak it up, but something held my voice. I got hurt, I become silent. I make mistake, I become silent. Something needs to be done. I don’t recall them in normal time, but insomnia returns, all those words come to my mind and block my thoughts.

Today I feel something missing. Feel the day is not ended properly. And I cannot sleep.  Something like a break in daily habits. What is that? Still finding the answer.

The Best 65 hours I have ever spent in my life

Don’t know where to start from. It was like a dream come true. Let’s start from the moment I received her here, in Pune, 2020km far from Kolkata. The train was late for 15mins and when I was waiting at the station, those 15mins was like 15 long years for me. And when I see the train approaching towards station, believe me, everything was happening like in slow motion (Jaisa filmo me hota hai, ho raha tha hubahu..). I was standing in front of the gate from where she gonna come out. And the moment came. She came out with a smile. It was like thousand sees roared in my mind. I wanted to hug her tight. Wanted to look into her eyes and say how much I waited for the moment. But that was a busy station and we are meeting after long days. I resisted myself, controlled my emotion and got into my bike to take her to my place.

A half an hour bike ride under heavy rain and we reached home. It’s a bachelor’s room with no locks in any door. Still that made her comfortable. I cooked for her and after having lunch we were waiting to go out for a trip. We were all set but it was raining cats and dogs outside. The hills that can be seen from our balcony were faded by rain. Roads became slippery. But those could not stop our freedom ride. We started our journey towards Mulshi Dam.

Hill roads in rains become slipper and the surrounding beauty becomes breath taking. Mulshi is around 50km from my place but it was not pre-decided till which point we would go. We just went off into the road and followed the way. Rain and rain and rain all the time. Cool breeze was making me shivering but I was so exited having her that, that did not hamper our trip. On the way we stop for a cup of tea. Smokey tea with a fag under rain and then again we were on the road. At the end of Mulshi Dam there is a waterfall. We went till that point. The hills were covered by cloud. Wind was blowing so hard that we could feel the coldness of waterfall from a distance. We spent some time together there. This waterfall is not so renowned so it was only two of us over there. It was like we are in a different world, far away from all the responsibilities, anxieties and thoughts from the real world. No time limit, no need of wrist watch, no unwanted calls just only two of us were enjoying the moment silently.

I don’t know how much time we have spent over there but when we realize it was almost sunset. We started returning back to the city. An hour ride and we are back to my room. My roomies were back from office. I introduced her to them and after having a small chat we went off for dinner. A candle light dinner that I have ever dreamed. There is a restaurant in Pune called ‘Up and above’ where they have different section for couples. A well decorated table with a candle at the middle of it. The top view of the city from there. The never ending breeze made us relaxed and we spent a waited memorable date. A cup of beer with chicken 65 and after that sizzling brownie made our evening perfect. We returned around midnight.
 
That night we spent together. Most of the time we were in balcony. Chatting with each other, laughing and watching the wet city. Around 4am we went to sleep. We had to wake up 5am for our next day’s trip to Mahabaleshwar. A good night kiss and we were off for bed.

Next day morning I woke up with her hug. She woke up earlier than me and already got ready. I quickly freshen up myself and got ready for the trip. A trip with my childhood friends and 2 brothers. Road to Mahabaleshwar from Pune is just awesome. It was sunny when we were on the high way. But the moment we took a right turn from highway, rain started. The close we are getting to the place rain was becoming heavy. When we reached Mahabaleshwar, it was cloudy. We found a water fall with high current. We were there for hours enjoying the beauty and the flow. Even though the road was slipper, we crawl to middle of the hill. It was fun. From there we enjoyed the beauty of nature. Along with the most loved one in my hand that beauty was like heaven. Then we went for the spots of Mahabaleshwar. Every where it was cloudy and foggy. Hardly we can see anything but that was not becoming any boundary between our enjoyments. Then a break fail of our hired car made us little bored. It took hell lot of time to fix and after that we decided to get back to the city and had a plan for night that we will have chicken and khichdi along with rum. Later the liquor program was cancelled. We got back home and rested for an hour. And then we went for our dinner. Khichdi is my all-time favorite dish. We were so tired that it took a moment to sleep after hitting the bed.

We had a sound sleep that night. When we woke up it’s around 10am. We had an invitation at my friend’s home. So we had no hurry. She made breakfast for me adding lots of love in it. We got ready and went off for my friend’s house. We had a plan for lonavla as well but due to rain we cancelled the plan. We had a group chat after lunch and then we returned to our base to spend time together and alone. That day I realized that how being two how can be a lonely and lovely moment. In the evening we were off for city round. We wend to Chatushinghi temple, City pride, E-square, Central and also to some happening places of Pune. But the rush was so high that we decided to go for a calm place for dinner. A hill top restaurant named ‘Nakshatra’ was our destination. After our dinner a late night cold coffee made our evening graceful. We returned home around 12.30am. Rest of the night we spent in the balcony watching the hills and cloudy sky. When city was silent, everyone was sleeping we were at our own world. She hugged me tight. She felt my heart beat. And I was thrilled having her so close at that point of time.

The thought that she will be leaving tomorrow made me sad. She made me cheer and we dreamed of a charming future together. I didn’t have any idea about the time, but when we were off for sleep it was dawn.

The next day I woke up with the call of my roommate. It was around 9.30am. She already woke up by then and her packing was done. I cooked for her and she was sitting in front of me. I felt great cooking for her. We had lunch together and spend some silent moments. My dream hours were at the end and I don’t know how to hold her back. She was ready with her luggage and I was taking my keys to drop her. When we reached station the train was already at the station. When she found her seat it was 15 min before the train starts. These 15 mins were like 15 sec for me. I bid her good bye held once for the last time in my hands. Train went off and I was standing still at the same point where I received here 65 hours back.

Meditation and ME

Yesterday evening I was feeling very haphazard. So after my cooking was over, I planned for meditation. Took out one hour and played a mediation CD and started. There are few stages of meditation. First stage was to keep your mind calm. I felt very relaxed. Second stage was thanks giving. It was like, think about the happier moment of your life with your parents, with your friends, with your beloved ones and thank them for the moments. I felt I was smiling while thinking about those moments. Now appears the interesting part for which I started writing this blog.

The next part of the meditation was to forgive. The voice from the CD was telling that ‘think of your enemies or the person you hated and forgive them. Not only forgive them but also pray to god for them.’ Some names were hitting me. Some faces I saw smiling at me. The faces I hated most. Some faces those I wanted to burn out. Some people whom I though to murder thousand times. They were laughing at me. I could not forgive. I tried hard. But the moment I tried to forgive, they laughed at me and the reasons of my hate came into picture. I sopped the CD. My meditation was incomplete.

After that I was lying down for some moments closing my eyes and locked these memories in dark cell of my mind. I realized, I am not in the stage of forgiving them. I am not a great man. I am not god. Probably after 10 years, this won’t mean to me any more, but at this stage of life I cannot forgive them. And if they ever come in the way of my life, I may execute my thousand timed thought murder idea.

I feel bad when……

I feel bad when I enter into the office and an aged security guard calls me sir.

I feel bad when I see that the person I give most importance ignores me.

I feel bad when I understand that people whom I think like friend behaving like a professional.

I feel bad when I see any of my close friends is suffering from depression.

I feel bad when my mood un-necessary goes down and I can not smile for a long time.

I feel bad when I see one of my friends doing the same mistake that I did in past.
I feel bad at every 2^nd of the month when 90% of my salary I transfer to clear pending.
I feel bad when I found no work at my desk.
I feel bad when past pops up in my present and create trouble.
I feel bad when I deny any propose.
I feel bad when somebody gets hurt by my words or by my mistake.
I feel bad when I ask for little help from my close ones and get denied.
I feel bad when I understand that surrounding is becoming harder and my sentiments are getting hurt.
I feel bad when I miss my hometown.
I feel bad when I miss the love and affection from my mom.
I feel bad when I see a sweet couple holding their hands keeping their heads on each other’s shoulder.
I feel bad when I miss a tight hug from some one special.

And then I understand, this is life. I try to ignore all the anxieties and move on.

Fighting with my mind

I don’t have control over my mind. The day I spent yesterday should make me feel better, but I am not feeling good. Don’t know why. Something I feel missing. Some urge to fulfill. But don’t know what those are. I had a trip to Lonavla with some of my friends yesterday. Those hill roads, those cloudy hills, having a cup of tea at the top of the hill under drizzle, little shopping of some crazy thing could have made me crazy. But when I returned home, I was in some different thoughts. Exactly what I am thinking, on which matter don’t really remember as I was damn tired. I woke up in the morning with the same mood. Lazy, disgusting irritating mood. I have tried to change this but as I told, I don’t have control over my mind.

You know, some times it happens. Even now also when I am asking to my mind WHY? Some words are just passing by. I caught some of those. “Don’t depend so much on somebody”. “Don’t give your mind to drive somebody else”. “Are you sick”? “Are you thinking of some shit again”? Some unwanted words. I don’t know why they are coming.

Sunday Blues

Its month end. And I woke up in the morning realizing how a bachelor’s month end is. I was planning to go for a hair cut and my wallet said insufficient balance. I asked one of my roommates to go for an online recharge from my credit card and pay me the cash. Thanks to him that he also wanted a recharge at the same time. Got some money. Felt well that then I could go for a hair cut. And then my childhood friend called me up and the day turned to a different direction.

I picked up the call and my friend asked me “Let’s go out. I need to buy a laptop”. I said okay, come down and we will choose a laptop for you. We went out around 3.30pm. After having a short market survey we choose a laptop for him. Payment was done and configuration was going on when my friend asked me “Don’t you feel that you also should take a laptop? This is the time. Go for it.” Before his sentence I was not even in a thought about buying a laptop. But I don’t know what happened, within a flash I decided to go for a lappy. I asked for the same model with same configuration.

A day started so blankly, ended up with an achievement of my life.

New side of Human Psychology

Its been a long time when I was out of this page. Actually I was trying to find some topic to write on. Its not like I found a very bold topic, but there is something I need share here.

I experienced some thing from one of my friend. He was expressing his thoughts to me and I came to know that he was not feeling well because his ex girl friend is happy with some other guy. I asked him why you are so unhappy? He had no answer. Practically or theoretically there should be no reason to be offended. If you have broken up completely from your mind, nothing should matters regarding your ex. But life doesn’t follow any theoretical knowledge. I came to know a new part of human psychology. "You will feel unhappy if you see your ex is happy with a new partner, until and unless you are engaged with somebody else."

Je kotha bola hoe otheni

Toke anek kichu bolar..
Jani bolte gelei ghete jabe..
Tai kagoj pen jogar..
Jani tor kashto hobe.

Tabu dekh guchoy ni aaj kotha,
Pen kamre bose anekkan..
Sotto baro nirmam hobe aaj..
Tabu likhboi aaj, bosechi ekbar jakhon.

Tor mone pore tui kache esechili..
Bhalobese ador korechili..
Buker majhe japte dhore amay..
Nispaloke thot jwaliyechili.

Tor thoter agun mon choy ni aamar..
lohar shikole se mon mora chilo..
Andho kuper ek-chilte aloe.. sudhu
Kalponara ador mekhechilo.

Bhalobasi toke ekothata jani..
Temonta noe, jemonta tui chas..
Ami tor premik nai ba holam..
Hote to pari bandhu - dirghyo shwas.

Happy April fool

The story is about a guy (Neel) and a girl (Trishna). Story starts with a wish “Happy April fool” where Neel wished Trishna on 1st April. Some chats and then a long silence.

Neel said “What happened? Why are you so silent?” 

"I have never heard such a wish. So I am little bit surprised."

"Meet me once and you will be more surprised."

A date was fixed when they decided to meet each other. It was not like a so called ‘Date’. It was like a get together within some friends where Neel and Trishna got involved.

Neel was sitting on a staircase when he saw Trishna for the first time. Medium height, fair, long hair, bubbly cheeks and with a crazy smile. They talked to each other for a very small time. They got their numbers exchanged and started chatting on air.

While talking to Trishna, Neel realized that the girl is very lonely. Once divorced, used by friends, depressed. But still she smiles forgetting all the anxieties. This boldness made a good impression on Neel. Neel also realized that may be Trishna had some soft corner regarding Neel. But Neel was not so interested about so called love and bounds or any kind of relationships. So he tried Trishna to make her understand that something more than friendship was impossible.

Trishna didn’t have control over her emotion. She proposed Neel. Neel denied. Trishna was silent and drop the call. Few days were over when they didn’t talk to each other. Neel started feeling that there is something missing. Something or someone. Neel thought a lot and ultimately he got the answer that the ‘someone’ was Trishna. Was it Love? Neel didn’t know. He picked up the phone and dialled her number.

-Hello, Trishna?

-Yes. Who is this?

Neel was shocked. Within this few days Trishna forgot his voice, forgot his number. How is this possible? Or she was trying to hurt him?

-Neel here.

-Hey, hi, how are you? What’s going on?

Neel was shocked again. Why she was behaving like an unknown person? Neel was trying to understand Trishna at that moment.

-I am fine. I just wanted to tell you that…

-What?

-That…

-That what?

-That, its hard for me to spend any more single day without talking to you. Can we be friends like before?

-I have lot of friends. I don’t want to increase the list. We cannot be friends.

Neel was silent. He realized that when he denied Trishna’s proposal, how hurt she was. Neel tried to convince her and wanted to meet once more. Trishna agreed.
They met and talked for long. It was evening. They sat at the edge / banks of a river to see sunset. Trishna put her head on Neel's shoulder. Neel felt warm. Darkness was capturing the surrounding and they were sitting still. After few moments Neel took Trishna’s face in his hand and kissed on her lips. A drop of tears came out from Trishna’s eyes. They closed their eyes. Suddenly Trishna pushed Neel and made some distance and said “I don’t kiss my friends.” Neel realized, Trishna was not his friend any more. She became something more than that. Neel was staring Trishna with blank eyes. Trishna was looking at the river.

-I love you Trishna.

Two more drops of tears on Trishna’s check and she came closer to Neel, hugged him tight and kissed Neel for a long time.

A relation started in this fashion. And here is the end of the 1st half of the story.

*****************************************************************************

2nd half of this story starts when the relation reached its 3rd year anniversary. Neel met Trishna early morning. Trishna was becoming unknown day by day for Neel. Neel could guess that there might be something serious happening in Trishna’s life which she didn’t want to explain to him. Neel tried hard to understand Trishna but failed. During those three years Neel left his home town for his career. Trishna became also busy with her career also. But till few days back also everything was so perfect. For last few weeks Neel can smell a change in Trishna.

They went roaming here and there, Neel tried so many times to melt her. But Trishna was little bit uneasy. She was behaving like she was out with some unknown person. Neel took Trishna to the same bank of river where their relation started. The time was sunset. Trishna was looking at the river water and Neel was staring Trishna and was expecting something horrible from her.

-Neel, I want to confess something.

-Are you in love with somebody?

-Yes. There is a guy in my office. We work together. I don’t know how I fell in love with him. We went for dinner and movie together. One day he invited me at his place. We spent a night together. I am not yours any more Neel. I don’t love you any more. He is guy who can give me what I expect from my life, not you. I found my own way. I found my Mr. Right for me. You know, he is a senior manager. You should have seen his flat. My god! It’s awesome. Cars, bikes, servants, Money, power - you name anything, he has that. Physically I was so satisfied with him. Neel I should have told you before. But I don’t want to do any more delay. I don’t mind if you take me wrong. But it’s my life. I have full rights to find my own way. I don’t want to live in a middle class family with some silly sentiments. Neel, this is the end.

Trishna went off. Neel was sitting still. I don’t know what he was thinking but probably he was thinking about the 1st wish of him “Happy April fool”.

2 year completed in Corporate sector

Journey is not over. I have just completed 2 years in IT industry. So thought to explore my journey. Sometimes it was awesome sometimes great sometimes so so and sometimes horrible. But what still now what hasn’t changed in me that, I could not make myself corporate. Still now when I hit the canteen I become in college mood. Two or three of us sit together and discuss on very serious topics like, which girl is looking most sexy today or is there any new face in our company? Or may be sometimes we discuss on our salary and everybody ends up with the one liner, “Yaar, company kitna paisa kam deti hai.”

Whether it is promotion time or appraisal time we never ask for how much you have learnt? How is the project? Any prospects of the project etc etc. the first thing we ask is how much increment you got. This discussion also ends up with the same one liner, “Yaar, company kitna paisa kam deti hai.”

I really got hurt when I see people sacked suddenly for some serious issues like breaking company rules. For an IT company rule is rule. You can never break it. It reminds me of my school which was well known for its rules and regulations. Corporate sector never understand that somebody should be given a chance to improve. Coz if you are kicked out, thousand is waiting. I have seen one of my batch mates got sacked on a lovely morning. My honorable coach come captain suddenly told to leave. From these I came to understand that if higher authority determined to kick you out, they can pick up any issue and you cannot say a single word.

 Its my two years completion day. And I really don’t want to think the negatives. I am happy with my work. And hope to write again on the same topic after 4 years completion date. Don’t know at that point of time will I become a corporate or not. But definitely I’ll follow the tag line of our company “Imagination – Action – Joy”.

To whom I was concerned

Adda lekha ghoraghuri..

Buk pocket e kejo nuri..

Mobile e tring tring - kori

Silent.

Bike e chepe long tour..

Jhar brishti roddur..

Message elo - "Phone dhor. Its

Urgent".

Sai-tirish ta missed call..

Moner majhe kolahol..

Phone dhorlei ek-guccho

Aviman.

Please shona ar parchi na..

Eka eka valo lagche na..

Chol eibar sesh kori ei -

Byabodhan.

===================================

Raat birete phone busy tar..

moner vetor khub tolpar..

Sondeho ra dicche uki..

Sabdhan...

Biswase aj bhor korechi..

Ja bolche tai manchi..

Hoeto kajer khujche kono

Somadhan.

Sondeho thik Sondeho thik

Palieche faith edik odik..

Hasle tumi amay bole

Dur-chai..

Bollam ami jasna chere..

Nayika sulabh hath ta nere..

Runujhunu sware bolle amay..

"GOOD-BYE".

Dreams Unlimited

Let me start with a dialogue from the film “Pyaar to hona hi tha” where Sanjana (Kajol) says “Pata hai Sekhar (Ajay Devan), insaan ko taklif kab hoti hai…jab wo koi swapna dekhta hai, aur wo pura nehi hota.” A true statement. But still, after opening Pandora’s Box we are used to live on dreams. Dreams changes with time to time and it is kind of an infinite loop.

I cannot say about other people how they think, but for me I feel upset if my little dreams break rather than larger dreams. Now, what is the difference in between little dreams and larger dreams? For me, little dreams are like, short time achievements. Suppose I am playing for my office cricket team and my little dream is to win a game where I become man of the match. Bigger dreams are like, I wish I win a lottery of 1Cr. Dreams should not have any bound. At least I don’t have.

Suddenly it stroke in my mind that actually I am talking about wishes. Dreams are those we see when we sleep. May be it happens to everyone that the wishes that we know will never come true; we make them true in dreams. A date with Priyanka Chopra, a century innings for Indian cricket team against Australia, A jackpot winning moment, One slap on the face the person you hate and cannot touch, double promotion in company and a 100% hike all the silly, naughty and cute wishes that we know can never happen, we fulfill it in dream. I don’t know about others, but I do.

A Valentines Day without my Valentine

It’s always been a clash between me and her that why people celebrate Valentines Day? She told me that, for every couple, if they had enough time and a wallet full of money, every day can be Valentines Day. I didn’t argue this time. A person who is willing to understand or better to say ready to understand, things can be discussed with him/her. But here I know whatever I’ll tell; she will stick to her decision. So I remain silent.

Why we celebrate Durga Puja, Ganesh Chaturthi, Dewali, Eid etc on some particular days? We all pray to god through out the year. What is the significance then to celebrate mother’s day, Children’s day, women’s day etc? There are no controversies regarding these days. Only in case of Valentine’s Day there are lots of issues some people create. Media runs from parks to malls to shoot couples, some political party come on the road to protest and say this is against our culture and all. Why are they worried off if some people think in a special way? If couples celebrate this day spending time with each other or buying gifts for each other, what the harm in that? From our daily life we choose some days to give special attention to everyone. A day for mother, a day for father, a day for child, a day for women and similarly like a day for your beloved one. After marriage we celebrate anniversary, even some date freaks celebrate their first meeting anniversary, first propose anniversary, first kiss anniversary etc. There are so many people who hardly meet and their love is alive over phone or chat. They choose this day to meet with each other, to spend some quality time and to get some good memories. Why do some people like to poke in between them?

Any way, my 14^th was good. I didn’t enjoy ‘Valentines Day’ but still the date become special for me. Some long chats with my beloved one, a ride on bike, a feeling of cool air, smoke of an ice-cream made my evening far better than what I expected. I spent Valentine’s Day in my way. And yes, I was NOT with my Valentine.

Why ??

The phone rang and rang for two hundred eighty nine times. I was sitting in front of my mobile and watching the blinking lights. The name that was appearing on the display of that person whom I loved. I was eager to say hello. I was eager to listen to her voice. But i couldn’t. Her own words bounded my hands. Her betray made a wall between me and her. Oops, its two hundred and ninetieth time its ringing. Flashing lights are like yes-no-yes -no rhythm. I can understand that now she wants to break the wall. She is trying to break the wall. But without my hands she cannot jump over it. I am sitting like statue. Hands are trying to push the receive button but cannot. They are bounded by the words "Please leave me alone... I want to leave.. You cannot give me a better life..So what you expect from me..?? I have chosen my partner..Don’t ever try to cross my roads....."

Heart is trying to hit a shift+del in memory but what time can do...heart cannot. Again it’s ringing. Let’s face it.

- Hello..

- What the hell? I am trying to reach you for so long...

- Why?

- I wanna talk to you.. Listen to your voice..

- Why?

- I was missing you..

- Why?

- I am feeling lonely...

- Why?

- I came to know that he has an affair.... so i decided not to keep any relation with him...

- Why?

- How can i keep a relation with such a bustard?

- Why?

- What why?.... do you mean to say... I did the same with you... yes of course i did. But i am missing you terribly..

- Why?

- I have done a mistake... a big mistake.. I want our previous time back....

- Why?

- I had some dreams..With you... But I know I have ruined it by myself...

- Why?

- I donnow what happened to me then... i was captured by some freaky thoughts...kiddies sentiments...and..and..

- And a dream of a big house.. a big car.. A bedroom with central AC..A husband with two thousand five hundred rupees of daily income...lavishness....

- I was wrong. I was wrong.

- Why did you do this to me? Why did you just throw me away like a used cup. Why did you lied when i asked you that was there something happening? Why did you tell me have faith on your words?

- Can we start again?

- Start what?

Phone got disconnected. Conversation was incomplete.

Depression Affected

Feb started on a lazy note. I thought it is gonna be a blast. But what always happens to me is what I expect very much, I don’t get that right away. Lot of yes-no-maybe happens in between and the charm of getting something special almost got ended.

I talked to a friend some days back and I was surprised to see the drastic change in him. When he was in school, he hate stories and novels, rather he loves to see movies in cinema halls or watching porn in DVD Players. When I talked to him some days back, he told me that he is reading novels, writing poetries. I was silent for a moment and then asked are you the same guy who used to hate stories and novels in school days? He smiled and answered, “See, how frustration changes a person”. Bong sentiments really grow up when a person is depressed. Depression, frustration is the out come if dreams are not fulfilled. But we, the pure bong mentality people leaves on dream.

If he is the example of how depression made him little soft and injected some sentiments in him, I have another friend who lost her all sentiments because of the same reason. 2-3 years back when I used to talk to her, she was full of life. Smiling, chattering and flying like a sparrow. After that for some time we lost contacts due to settle up carrier and all. Now days when I talk to her, she seems like a frozen river. Depressed, frustrated with life, hates almost everything, and Kind of un-touchable by the incidents whether it is of happiness or sorrow. She became a robot with flesh and blood. Another drastic change and which I think is not good.

In some of my blogs, I have given example of my friends. I have very few friends but quality friends. Their lives are full of incidents. As I live like a straight line graph, so I love to take incidents from their experiences. Feb started on a depressed note for me. And the funny thing is I don’t know why I am depressed. If I have to follow one of these two friends, whom should I follow? This is the question that actually I am asking myself again and again.

Then suddenly on the way home I met a completely unknown person. We talked a little. I asked him, have you ever been depressed? He told me he has no time for depression. He told me, if you make yourself so busy that you don’t even get time to think about your mind status, then you will never know when you are sorry or when you are depressed. I replied, and then we never know when we are happy also. Lets see whether the conversation is gonna help me or not. I have modified his words and taken in this way, “When you feel you are depressed, make your self so busy that you don’t get time to think about it. After few days, take a break and ask yourself about the mind status. If it is okay, its time to get back to your previous routine, else continue to be busy.”

Saraswati Puja – Bong valentine Day

My Asmaan Chaudhury Joyeta (Those who have no idea about the album “Priyo Bandhu” by Anjan Dutta, they don’t know this person) told me “You are very bad in English. Banglae lekho na keno baba?”  Ei lekhata tai banglae likhchi.

February ese gelo. Ar Feb manei saraswati pujo. Chotobela e ei dintar jonno vison vabe wait kore thaktam…and its simply because, baba bolten ei din boi touch korte nei. Ekdin age thaktei sab boi-khata debir payer kache rekhe ekdiner jonno swastir nihswas feltam. Ektu baro hoe jakhon teen age e pa diyechi, jakhn mone basanta ektu sursuri dicche, hotat hotat preme pore jacchi…sei somoy saraswati pujor ekta anya mahatto anuvab korlam. Saraswati Pujo – Bango sontander valentines day.

“Dekh dekh, maye take dekh, saree te ki darun lagche na!” “Are, ei ki sei puchke maye ta!! Saree porle mayeder besh porinato lage” – eisob comments cholto jakhan aamra barir pujor anjali sere, dour lagatam school e, ar ekdol chele berotam “Jemon khushi sajo” competition dekhte. Choto theke baro – chardike sudhu basonti-halud saree ar chole fire berano saraswati… ei na hole debi darshan!!

Ar ektu baro holam. School er gondi periye college. Engineering college e saraswati pujo khub ekta baro kore hoto na…may be ekta dharona chilo ekhane devi saraswati-r theke biswakarma ke khushi rakha ta beshi darkar. Tai college e saraswati pujo te khub ekta jai ni…Tobe tai bole barite katiechi ta noe. Sraswati pujo mane se somoy Nandan-Victoria- Moidan-Agarpara station (Amar vison priyo ek bandhobi-r sathe dekha korte)-ar sondhye bela kono bandhu-r bari khichuri khaye bari.

Class 10 theke shuru kore final year porjonto 6 bachor ei saraswati pujo-r din e amar ek vison priyo bandhobir sathe dekha hoto…Emon o hoeche je ek bachor jogajog nei, kotha nei, hotat thik pujor ager din sondhye bela tar phone. Within a fraction of second program fixed hoe jeto. Etodin pore hotat dekha holeo kakhono emon mone hoe ni je, katodin pore meet korchi.. mone hoto..ei to sedin dekha holo..kotha holo.. Tarpor ekbachor pujor ager din rate phone elo na. Ami vablam pujor din e hoeto asbe. Ek ekbar ph er ring shunlei lafiye giye phone dhorechi..or phone ase ni ar. Bigato 3 bachor ami wait kore achi or phone asbe..ek e vabe second er modhye amader dekha haoar somoy place thik hoe jabe. Bigato 3 bachor ami saraswati pujo-r ager din, pujor din – sara din or phone er wait kori. Nandan-nalban amake aar tane na. Bigato 3 bachor saraswati pujo barite katiyechi. Ebar o hoeto serakamtar aniom hobe na. kono miracle hobe na. Kono phone asbe na.

An evening with DG

I didn’t understand why there is an ‘A’ mark after the name “Dhobi Ghat”. It’s generally used if there are violence or sex scenes in the film. May be this is the first time that I saw a film with an ‘A’ mark that actually means below 18 years people don’t have the maturity to understand. The Film is not for so called adults, it’s for adult thinkers.

The film inspired me to buy a camera that I was planning for long. Prateek and Monica are the assets of this film. Aamir is always Aamir. So natural. So spontaneous. The Dhobi, The rat killer, munna, his sentiments, jealousy, love all are so prominent. So natural.

Kriti is so innocent. Her story was kind of a graph that comes downwards and ended with euthanasia.  A girl with lots of hope and dreams came to Mumbai and spends her lonely times with her handy cam and recording a video for her brother that was unsent.

I am still overwhelmed by the movie. No masala, no item songs, no such dialogues, only acting and video-graphy made this film so special. The film has no proper end. And that reminds me the definition of ‘Short Story’ by Tagore – “Antare atripti robe…sango kori mone hobe..sesh hoe hoilo na sesh”.

I am happy about what I have

It’s very natural to think about those things that we don’t have. We, the mango people, always repent that why I didn’t get this, why not that? And the list grows with time. Demand and supply ratio increases inverse proportionately day by day and frustration comes in action. Frustration actually works as a positive catalyst to increase the gap of this demand and supply.

So I decided that I won’t count about the things that I don’t have. Rather I’ll look after those things that I have and preserve them with great care so that those things always stay with me. Now, things don’t mean that they are only non leaving things. It may be a person, a relation, some achievements, some goals or some thoughts.

1.      Family:  My parents. They are so special. Some people say (When they are madly in love with somebody) that I can leave my parents for him/her. My personal feelings regarding this is if a person can leave (better to say go against) his/her parents for 2-3 years’ relationship, he/she can break any relationship in future. I admire my parents. And I’ll never leave them for anybody or anything. Sawal hi paida nehi hota.

2.      A home: Home Sweet Home. Whenever I see some of my friends are concerned about buying a flat, and they are calculating about home loans, interest rates, I take a deep breath and thank to god that I have my own house. At least if something wrong happens to me, my parents have a roof over their head.

3.      A Job: Some of my friends are still in search for a job. At least I have one. For my friends, getting job is just a matter of time. But still I feel happy for myself that after having so much of ups and downs I got the job with a small software firm. And recently I got promotion. Yeeeee. My life’s first promotion. I was very happy when I got that letter.

4.      Quality Friends: My friend circle is very small. And I am very choosy about my friends and I am fortunate enough that I got quality friends. When I was in trouble, frustrated they stood by me. And I believe they always stand by me when ever I need them.

5.      A Bike: Yes, that’s an achievement actually. My first two wheeler that I bought with my own earnings (I had a cycle before presented by my aunty). Though the back seat of my bike is still searching someone but I feel happy when ride and go for trips. It was a dream that came true.

6.      A Guitar: It may seem like I am just increasing my count with such things, but believe me, these are very special to me. I am not a good guitarist. I just love to play guitar for myself. After all my work, when I sit with it and stroke the strings, I feel like heaven.

7.      Some Dreams: This is common for all. Everybody have some dreams. I am not an exception. But I don’t have some sky high dreams. Not all dreams I gonna share but one. I just want my salary to touch Rs. 2501 daily. It’s only because the girl I loved most left me saying that her new boy friend’s daily income is Rs. 2500. Freaky? Let it be.

8.      Peace of Mind: At least I can sleep properly at night. No night mare can now wake me up. This is I feel the most important thing that I’ll hate to loose. I love my sleep 3 much.

List is not too small. I am happy with it. There are some more that I haven’t mentioned. But yes what I learned from my experiences is its better to think what you have than you don’t have.

Antel + Aami = Aantlami

-          Aboseshe ami klanto holam.

-          Aaj ghum asbe na… aakash ta khub sundar lagche janla diye..

-          Kal sokale office ache na? Ghumo ekhuni..

-          Shon kono dosh nei valo basa basite..

-          Tor jonno likhte pari ek prithibi.

-          Aar katodin baba-r ghare bose khabi.. lojja hoe? Naki setao kheye niechis?

-          Cinema ta eto boaring… Kintu tui paase chili bole kharap lage ni…

-          Tui kothay?? Jakhan amar toke sobchaye besi darker chilo…kothay chili?

-          Ar ami jakhan toke akre dhorte chayechilam…

-          Bristi te vijte amar besh lage… Vijbi ekdin aamar sathe?

-          Nyakamo maris na… Sob kichur ekta limit ache…

-          Eto chesta koreo toke vangte parlam na keno bol to?

-          E aamar protisodh… Revgenge.

-          Tui ar firbi na, nare?

-          Aamake ‘use’ korli eivabe?? Ki kore parli?

-          Ma, chakri ta hoe geche…

-          Ma, aaj aamar promotion hoeche…

-          Aamar chele hoeche… biye to eli na… chele ke dekhe jas ekbar.

-          Next month e aamar biye… ami sesh muhurto porjonto wait korbo…

-          Ei ekla ghar aamar desh…Aamar ekla thakar avyes..

-          Veja pothghat veja parkstreet, vijchi aamra ankei…meghe meghe Dhaka aakashe ami khujbo sudhu tokei…

-          Ekta ghar, ekta buk, vison miss korchi…

-          Chal saala, Nautanki??