Meditation and ME

Yesterday evening I was feeling very haphazard. So after my cooking was over, I planned for meditation. Took out one hour and played a mediation CD and started. There are few stages of meditation. First stage was to keep your mind calm. I felt very relaxed. Second stage was thanks giving. It was like, think about the happier moment of your life with your parents, with your friends, with your beloved ones and thank them for the moments. I felt I was smiling while thinking about those moments. Now appears the interesting part for which I started writing this blog.

The next part of the meditation was to forgive. The voice from the CD was telling that ‘think of your enemies or the person you hated and forgive them. Not only forgive them but also pray to god for them.’ Some names were hitting me. Some faces I saw smiling at me. The faces I hated most. Some faces those I wanted to burn out. Some people whom I though to murder thousand times. They were laughing at me. I could not forgive. I tried hard. But the moment I tried to forgive, they laughed at me and the reasons of my hate came into picture. I sopped the CD. My meditation was incomplete.

After that I was lying down for some moments closing my eyes and locked these memories in dark cell of my mind. I realized, I am not in the stage of forgiving them. I am not a great man. I am not god. Probably after 10 years, this won’t mean to me any more, but at this stage of life I cannot forgive them. And if they ever come in the way of my life, I may execute my thousand timed thought murder idea.

I feel bad when……

I feel bad when I enter into the office and an aged security guard calls me sir.

I feel bad when I see that the person I give most importance ignores me.

I feel bad when I understand that people whom I think like friend behaving like a professional.

I feel bad when I see any of my close friends is suffering from depression.

I feel bad when my mood un-necessary goes down and I can not smile for a long time.

I feel bad when I see one of my friends doing the same mistake that I did in past.
I feel bad at every 2^nd of the month when 90% of my salary I transfer to clear pending.
I feel bad when I found no work at my desk.
I feel bad when past pops up in my present and create trouble.
I feel bad when I deny any propose.
I feel bad when somebody gets hurt by my words or by my mistake.
I feel bad when I ask for little help from my close ones and get denied.
I feel bad when I understand that surrounding is becoming harder and my sentiments are getting hurt.
I feel bad when I miss my hometown.
I feel bad when I miss the love and affection from my mom.
I feel bad when I see a sweet couple holding their hands keeping their heads on each other’s shoulder.
I feel bad when I miss a tight hug from some one special.

And then I understand, this is life. I try to ignore all the anxieties and move on.

Fighting with my mind

I don’t have control over my mind. The day I spent yesterday should make me feel better, but I am not feeling good. Don’t know why. Something I feel missing. Some urge to fulfill. But don’t know what those are. I had a trip to Lonavla with some of my friends yesterday. Those hill roads, those cloudy hills, having a cup of tea at the top of the hill under drizzle, little shopping of some crazy thing could have made me crazy. But when I returned home, I was in some different thoughts. Exactly what I am thinking, on which matter don’t really remember as I was damn tired. I woke up in the morning with the same mood. Lazy, disgusting irritating mood. I have tried to change this but as I told, I don’t have control over my mind.

You know, some times it happens. Even now also when I am asking to my mind WHY? Some words are just passing by. I caught some of those. “Don’t depend so much on somebody”. “Don’t give your mind to drive somebody else”. “Are you sick”? “Are you thinking of some shit again”? Some unwanted words. I don’t know why they are coming.

Sunday Blues

Its month end. And I woke up in the morning realizing how a bachelor’s month end is. I was planning to go for a hair cut and my wallet said insufficient balance. I asked one of my roommates to go for an online recharge from my credit card and pay me the cash. Thanks to him that he also wanted a recharge at the same time. Got some money. Felt well that then I could go for a hair cut. And then my childhood friend called me up and the day turned to a different direction.

I picked up the call and my friend asked me “Let’s go out. I need to buy a laptop”. I said okay, come down and we will choose a laptop for you. We went out around 3.30pm. After having a short market survey we choose a laptop for him. Payment was done and configuration was going on when my friend asked me “Don’t you feel that you also should take a laptop? This is the time. Go for it.” Before his sentence I was not even in a thought about buying a laptop. But I don’t know what happened, within a flash I decided to go for a lappy. I asked for the same model with same configuration.

A day started so blankly, ended up with an achievement of my life.

New side of Human Psychology

Its been a long time when I was out of this page. Actually I was trying to find some topic to write on. Its not like I found a very bold topic, but there is something I need share here.

I experienced some thing from one of my friend. He was expressing his thoughts to me and I came to know that he was not feeling well because his ex girl friend is happy with some other guy. I asked him why you are so unhappy? He had no answer. Practically or theoretically there should be no reason to be offended. If you have broken up completely from your mind, nothing should matters regarding your ex. But life doesn’t follow any theoretical knowledge. I came to know a new part of human psychology. "You will feel unhappy if you see your ex is happy with a new partner, until and unless you are engaged with somebody else."

Je kotha bola hoe otheni

Toke anek kichu bolar..
Jani bolte gelei ghete jabe..
Tai kagoj pen jogar..
Jani tor kashto hobe.

Tabu dekh guchoy ni aaj kotha,
Pen kamre bose anekkan..
Sotto baro nirmam hobe aaj..
Tabu likhboi aaj, bosechi ekbar jakhon.

Tor mone pore tui kache esechili..
Bhalobese ador korechili..
Buker majhe japte dhore amay..
Nispaloke thot jwaliyechili.

Tor thoter agun mon choy ni aamar..
lohar shikole se mon mora chilo..
Andho kuper ek-chilte aloe.. sudhu
Kalponara ador mekhechilo.

Bhalobasi toke ekothata jani..
Temonta noe, jemonta tui chas..
Ami tor premik nai ba holam..
Hote to pari bandhu - dirghyo shwas.

Happy April fool

The story is about a guy (Neel) and a girl (Trishna). Story starts with a wish “Happy April fool” where Neel wished Trishna on 1st April. Some chats and then a long silence.

Neel said “What happened? Why are you so silent?” 

"I have never heard such a wish. So I am little bit surprised."

"Meet me once and you will be more surprised."

A date was fixed when they decided to meet each other. It was not like a so called ‘Date’. It was like a get together within some friends where Neel and Trishna got involved.

Neel was sitting on a staircase when he saw Trishna for the first time. Medium height, fair, long hair, bubbly cheeks and with a crazy smile. They talked to each other for a very small time. They got their numbers exchanged and started chatting on air.

While talking to Trishna, Neel realized that the girl is very lonely. Once divorced, used by friends, depressed. But still she smiles forgetting all the anxieties. This boldness made a good impression on Neel. Neel also realized that may be Trishna had some soft corner regarding Neel. But Neel was not so interested about so called love and bounds or any kind of relationships. So he tried Trishna to make her understand that something more than friendship was impossible.

Trishna didn’t have control over her emotion. She proposed Neel. Neel denied. Trishna was silent and drop the call. Few days were over when they didn’t talk to each other. Neel started feeling that there is something missing. Something or someone. Neel thought a lot and ultimately he got the answer that the ‘someone’ was Trishna. Was it Love? Neel didn’t know. He picked up the phone and dialled her number.

-Hello, Trishna?

-Yes. Who is this?

Neel was shocked. Within this few days Trishna forgot his voice, forgot his number. How is this possible? Or she was trying to hurt him?

-Neel here.

-Hey, hi, how are you? What’s going on?

Neel was shocked again. Why she was behaving like an unknown person? Neel was trying to understand Trishna at that moment.

-I am fine. I just wanted to tell you that…

-What?

-That…

-That what?

-That, its hard for me to spend any more single day without talking to you. Can we be friends like before?

-I have lot of friends. I don’t want to increase the list. We cannot be friends.

Neel was silent. He realized that when he denied Trishna’s proposal, how hurt she was. Neel tried to convince her and wanted to meet once more. Trishna agreed.
They met and talked for long. It was evening. They sat at the edge / banks of a river to see sunset. Trishna put her head on Neel's shoulder. Neel felt warm. Darkness was capturing the surrounding and they were sitting still. After few moments Neel took Trishna’s face in his hand and kissed on her lips. A drop of tears came out from Trishna’s eyes. They closed their eyes. Suddenly Trishna pushed Neel and made some distance and said “I don’t kiss my friends.” Neel realized, Trishna was not his friend any more. She became something more than that. Neel was staring Trishna with blank eyes. Trishna was looking at the river.

-I love you Trishna.

Two more drops of tears on Trishna’s check and she came closer to Neel, hugged him tight and kissed Neel for a long time.

A relation started in this fashion. And here is the end of the 1st half of the story.

*****************************************************************************

2nd half of this story starts when the relation reached its 3rd year anniversary. Neel met Trishna early morning. Trishna was becoming unknown day by day for Neel. Neel could guess that there might be something serious happening in Trishna’s life which she didn’t want to explain to him. Neel tried hard to understand Trishna but failed. During those three years Neel left his home town for his career. Trishna became also busy with her career also. But till few days back also everything was so perfect. For last few weeks Neel can smell a change in Trishna.

They went roaming here and there, Neel tried so many times to melt her. But Trishna was little bit uneasy. She was behaving like she was out with some unknown person. Neel took Trishna to the same bank of river where their relation started. The time was sunset. Trishna was looking at the river water and Neel was staring Trishna and was expecting something horrible from her.

-Neel, I want to confess something.

-Are you in love with somebody?

-Yes. There is a guy in my office. We work together. I don’t know how I fell in love with him. We went for dinner and movie together. One day he invited me at his place. We spent a night together. I am not yours any more Neel. I don’t love you any more. He is guy who can give me what I expect from my life, not you. I found my own way. I found my Mr. Right for me. You know, he is a senior manager. You should have seen his flat. My god! It’s awesome. Cars, bikes, servants, Money, power - you name anything, he has that. Physically I was so satisfied with him. Neel I should have told you before. But I don’t want to do any more delay. I don’t mind if you take me wrong. But it’s my life. I have full rights to find my own way. I don’t want to live in a middle class family with some silly sentiments. Neel, this is the end.

Trishna went off. Neel was sitting still. I don’t know what he was thinking but probably he was thinking about the 1st wish of him “Happy April fool”.