Things which keeps me awake

Sometimes things which we wish to forget, and believe that they are erased from our memory; they come at night to ruin the sleep. Dreams can keep you alive, at the same time drams can bother you when you start feeling that you have overcome your wounds. I don’t know whether it happens with me only, or happens with everyone. I am a very simple guy, so I don’t expect un-natural things to be happening with me.

Yesterday I experienced quite similar feeling. It was a champion trophy win by India over England and as a cricket fan I was happy with the victory. I went to sleep with a smile but the moment I tried to fall asleep I saw some faces laughing at me. Faces I am familiar with, faces I have never met but they are very much known, Faces I hated most came to my dream to make me feel that I am still not over with the wounds that life gave to me. Generally the things I cannot change and the things those hurt a lot, I prefer to forget them. I have a habit of writing diary, but for last few years I don’t write those things which don’t want to remember. Even in this case I saw those faces which I thought I have forgotten. May be forgetting things are not the right way to live happily. May be I need to fight back and sort out the right treatment for my wounds.

I may sound little whimsical. What wounds? Who are they? Lot of questions are there but I just don’t want to disclose them. I don’t want to remind them. Only thing I can say that I am still fighting and my fight will end up when I establish myself in a position when I can go to their dream and make them suffer. Till then I have to fight.

These days I feel that I am hated by so many people. People who haven’t talked to me ever, who haven’t met me ever started hating me thinking that I have taken away the most precious goal of their life. Actually I have not taken away anything from anyone. But I cannot change anyone’s mind. Rather what I can do is I can enjoy the feeling and hope to have a win over them.

Some lessons from life

Generally April and May goes very fine for me. But this year, there is an exception. In some point of view it was great. And in some other aspects it was horrible. But that’s call life. Getting a job on the same day when I was cheated by a person whom I expected to be faithful, days with immense mental pressure, examination of mental strength and tolerance, resignation to my current company and then reverting back, a very hush and rough time with beloved one, and then reaching a stable position, suddenly kicked off from the flat I was staying and hectic flat search – and much more.

Actually I understood one thing from life in these days, when life gives you something, it try to take back equivalently and you have an option to go with what means more to you. It may sound little whimsical but life actually taught me some truth in a different way.

The first thing I learnt that “Never believe a person blindly”. Whoever it may. Blindness on faith will slap you one day. It may be now or may be after some time. Secondly “Don’t let the other person understand what you actually feel about him/her”. Once the other person got a clear idea about your feelings he/she doesn't have anything left to know about you. Third “See what has not happened because of you rather what has happened”. It will give the power to fight for you. It will help you to erase what all things hurt you extremely; it will help you to forget some bitter memories.

The fact is, I knew all these things, but don’t know why I forgot those things. Don’t know why I didn't apply those things on my life. So, as a punishment life slapped me hard. Gave me some sleepless nights. Gave some roaming nights and forced to pretend that I am living well. Cheating, breaking of commitments are very common these days and maybe I am little old fashioned in this game. I thought so many times to run with the world, I thought so many times that to bring myself on the same page but I don’t know what stopped me. Is that my anger? Is that my ethics? Is that my Love? Is that my truth? Is that my self-respect? I really don’t know.

Last two month I wrote so many things and then scratched. May be I don’t want to hold them back for a better feature. And truly all those sins got fed and I hope by time it will be removed as well. Now I understand the words of the peacock in Kungfu Panda 2 that “Wounds heal but scars never heal”. As a fan of The Panda, I will definitely let them go and choose who I am. Panda took some days and I am not stronger than him. So it will take a bit time. But surely I’ll erase all bitter memories.

Before finishing I would like to say that there are some challenges in my life that I’ll fulfill. 18^th Nov is going to be a big day of my life. If everything goes right, I’ll answer some people who really hated me. Being loved is a very good feeling, being hated is awesome if you know you gonna win over them. I see my fair chance of winning and so I’m loving it.