When Tones are not following Words

Realization happens certainly. And it happened to me last night that my voice modulations are different than what I speak. For an example I say a very serious topic in a casual tone, I joke in a serious tone, I share my romanticism with coverage of fun, I express joy with un-modulated tone and so on. It doesn’t mean that what I said is not what I meant, but may be this is became my drawback or may be my normality.

It was not like this before. Basically I am a very soft and romantic person. When I was in school my tones used to follow my words. Although I speak less but whatever I said they were modulated perfectly. I empathized people with soft voice, I cheered people with loud scream, I encouraged people with full of excitement. The day I entered college I don’t know why I started hiding my emotions. Since then this started. I started saying everything in a very casual way. Pretending that I am a cool guy and whatever happens nothing matters with me. After few days I started feeling that emotional talks are over-dramatic. Sentimental talks are just to grab attention. Only modulation that was so true for me is a very “cool-casual” tone. I started sharing my words with my diary. She didn’t demand any voice modulation.

When I joined wipro-bpo, I had special classes of voice modulation. How to speak to customer, how to empathize them, how to carry on small talks, fillers when I am performing some back-end job. I was told every time that I sounded artificial. I knew why. Till then I got used to the tone and modulation left me altogether. I started demanding from life, that the people around me will understand what I wish to tell rather following my tone. Some people did but not all. I came to realize that I need to be expressive again. A constant practice of pretending calm and cool actually made me that. So instead of understanding the lagging, I could not bring back my originality.

My trying is still on. I wish to follow the general rule of speaking. I wish to say serious words seriously. I wish to say loving words romantically. I wish to express my anger with scream. I wish to crack jokes with fun. I wish to shout while feeling uncomfortable and I wish to cry loud while I am in sorrow.

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Another end of year approaches. And now it's time to chalk out what I did, what I didn't do, what I failed to do. 2012 was a mix bag. Now while writing I actually cannot gather all the incidents but still if I ask myself some questions I hope I'll find some answer.

First things first. Do I have anything that I wished a lot but cannot achieve? Well, YES. I thought to change my job, but I couldn't. It's not that opportunity didn't arrive, I just restricted myself for upcoming promotion cycle. If it didn't turn up, maybe I'll think in some different way.

Now, what is the biggest achievement? - For me achieving is not just getting new things. An achievement can be holding back firmly what you love most. I held back tightly a relationship. Added to that I got a "Man of the Match" of a final game in Mindtree Premier League and "Man of the Match" in the first game of Maharashtra Kdira Tournament.

What is the biggest loss? - Ummm, cannot think of any. I usually forget these things very fast. But yes, one thing that hurts me that I didn't get any appreciation award for my work in my company. I am not such a bad worker I guess.

Biggest Strange? - My friend list didn't increase even by one. What happened to me? Am I becoming an un-social person or becoming so boring?

Things I want to change? - This year taken away one of my best pal. If I could have, I would have hold back Tamal and didn't let him die. Still his death is a mystery for me. Sometimes I feel that one day he will appear and will stand in front of me with a smile. That day I'll slap him hard and hug him tight.

No more questions as I don't remember everything. Just one thing I wish I could have handled well is the double meaning of "Friend". I really want to understand in a very clear way that what are the barrier of a friendship? Is it called friendship if one is in love with the other and the other is not? There are so many relations un-named. So this word "friendship" is miss-used. May be in the coming year I will find the proper answer.

Last but not the least, I want to write at the end of this coming year that I am Married. Lets see..