When Tones are not following Words

Realization happens certainly. And it happened to me last night that my voice modulations are different than what I speak. For an example I say a very serious topic in a casual tone, I joke in a serious tone, I share my romanticism with coverage of fun, I express joy with un-modulated tone and so on. It doesn’t mean that what I said is not what I meant, but may be this is became my drawback or may be my normality.

It was not like this before. Basically I am a very soft and romantic person. When I was in school my tones used to follow my words. Although I speak less but whatever I said they were modulated perfectly. I empathized people with soft voice, I cheered people with loud scream, I encouraged people with full of excitement. The day I entered college I don’t know why I started hiding my emotions. Since then this started. I started saying everything in a very casual way. Pretending that I am a cool guy and whatever happens nothing matters with me. After few days I started feeling that emotional talks are over-dramatic. Sentimental talks are just to grab attention. Only modulation that was so true for me is a very “cool-casual” tone. I started sharing my words with my diary. She didn’t demand any voice modulation.

When I joined wipro-bpo, I had special classes of voice modulation. How to speak to customer, how to empathize them, how to carry on small talks, fillers when I am performing some back-end job. I was told every time that I sounded artificial. I knew why. Till then I got used to the tone and modulation left me altogether. I started demanding from life, that the people around me will understand what I wish to tell rather following my tone. Some people did but not all. I came to realize that I need to be expressive again. A constant practice of pretending calm and cool actually made me that. So instead of understanding the lagging, I could not bring back my originality.

My trying is still on. I wish to follow the general rule of speaking. I wish to say serious words seriously. I wish to say loving words romantically. I wish to express my anger with scream. I wish to crack jokes with fun. I wish to shout while feeling uncomfortable and I wish to cry loud while I am in sorrow.

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Another end of year approaches. And now it's time to chalk out what I did, what I didn't do, what I failed to do. 2012 was a mix bag. Now while writing I actually cannot gather all the incidents but still if I ask myself some questions I hope I'll find some answer.

First things first. Do I have anything that I wished a lot but cannot achieve? Well, YES. I thought to change my job, but I couldn't. It's not that opportunity didn't arrive, I just restricted myself for upcoming promotion cycle. If it didn't turn up, maybe I'll think in some different way.

Now, what is the biggest achievement? - For me achieving is not just getting new things. An achievement can be holding back firmly what you love most. I held back tightly a relationship. Added to that I got a "Man of the Match" of a final game in Mindtree Premier League and "Man of the Match" in the first game of Maharashtra Kdira Tournament.

What is the biggest loss? - Ummm, cannot think of any. I usually forget these things very fast. But yes, one thing that hurts me that I didn't get any appreciation award for my work in my company. I am not such a bad worker I guess.

Biggest Strange? - My friend list didn't increase even by one. What happened to me? Am I becoming an un-social person or becoming so boring?

Things I want to change? - This year taken away one of my best pal. If I could have, I would have hold back Tamal and didn't let him die. Still his death is a mystery for me. Sometimes I feel that one day he will appear and will stand in front of me with a smile. That day I'll slap him hard and hug him tight.

No more questions as I don't remember everything. Just one thing I wish I could have handled well is the double meaning of "Friend". I really want to understand in a very clear way that what are the barrier of a friendship? Is it called friendship if one is in love with the other and the other is not? There are so many relations un-named. So this word "friendship" is miss-used. May be in the coming year I will find the proper answer.

Last but not the least, I want to write at the end of this coming year that I am Married. Lets see..

Vs. Depression

Depressed patients are increasing day by day. Doctors say that the reason behind it is stress. I somehow agree and somehow disagree. From the point a baby is born, parents start deciding what she gonna be. By the time she grows up a bit and spells her first word “Ma” parents started thinking that if my child can spell ‘Ma’ then she is capable of start with ‘A-B-C-D’ and start with education. Thus a child is pushed into the rat race.

Even I was a part of it. But my childhood was different than those kids who I see these days. Now day’s kids play in computer, PSP or they go to shopping mall to play bowling or video games. I wonder how many of them have walked barefoot on the ground.  How many of them played 4 times a day. I remember after my exams my daily schedule was, I used to get up 5.30 and rushed to field. I played cricket from 6 to 8 and then return home. Again around 10 I start peeping out of window that any of my friends is calling for the unfinished match. 10:15 max and I hit the ground and I played till 1.30 PM. My mom used to scold me why I am so late but instead of that I used to go to play. And then after lunch I eagerly wait to hear the 4Pm bell and again I rush to ground. From 4 to 6.30 there is a huge rush in the field. We arranged badminton or volleyball court and put on lights to play after dinner and from 10.30pm till 11.45 I used to play. And this schedule was not only for me, there were people who used to follow the same routine. I hardly believe a child of now can probably think of that. Playing was not a waste of time for me; it was a pleasure or peace of mind that gave me energy in my childhood days.

I somehow feel that our generation is the connector between two generation. A have seen sudden changes in life style. Sudden changes in thoughts. Suddenly younger generation started thinking older generations as back dated. And we became the connector. One leg is in old generation and one leg in new generation. We used to keep balance between these. We played in the ground; we played in shopping mall as well. We walked or cycled along through long road and also ride. We wrote letters to loved ones and also we e-mailed or sms-ed. We have seen time with no mobile or telephone and also time with MacBook and I-pad. I still remember the day when my father brought land line in our home. We were so happy to have a telephone connection. Now when a child cry or disturb his father while he is working in his laptop, he gave his mobile or pad to play around. It’s not a fault of parents, not at all fault of children too, it’s a generation.

Somehow the biggest issue that this generation going to face is ‘Depression’. I find the reason behind this is comparison. Comparison between two or comparison between many. He has something that I don’t have. They all have something why I don’t have that. This kind of comparison actually is the start of depression. People hardly think in the way that ‘He has something that I don’t have and I have something that he doesn’t have. So calculation is equal’. Unhappiness with what a person has with him these days, making them unhappy. And from there depression starts. Constant comparison, race, less sleep, less exercise, junk foods, crap movies, low quality time pass all make a people depressed. And over that people find out ways to get out of the depression with alcohol or drugs. These actually push a person deeper to dark.

I sometime become depressed and I follow some steps to have control over my mind. I wake up very early; feel the cool and clean breeze. I take a long walk or jog sometime with deep breathing and see old couple walking along or seating in the chairs beside the roads. They smile and greet ‘Good Morning’ wish and I also greet them and feel that I smiled from my heart. I walk with no electronic devices around. After returning home I meditate for 30mins. And then take a long bath. I don’t say that this way is gonna work for everyone. But I do say that everybody must find their way out from depression. I found my way. But it’s also true that I don’t use this regularly. J

Re-Birth

He said he will be back one day. He will be with his loved one day. He has this dream of walking with his loved one holding her finger. At that point of time I thought his wishes were childlike. But yesterday a strange thing happened.

It’s a story about a simple guy. A small town guy with lot of dreams in his eyes. I met him in my English batch. From my childhood days I used to be a back bencher.  And I always feel comfortable within back benchers. He was also kind of same. Not so studious rather he was a great liar. Instead of all we became friends and he shared all his concerns, joys with me. He fall in love with one of our batch mates and yes, she was pretty. Exams were close and the girl was studious. So they could not explore themselves at the starting of their relationship. After the exam it was around 3 months when they explored themselves well and I thought they are in a position to carry it through out their life. Then result came and the girl scored high but my friend failed.

Now let’s jump to some months later. One day my friend came to me and said that the girl doesn't to continue the relation. She has given some reasons but I understood that the failure in exam is the main cause. I had no words to sympathies. The girl left the town and moved somewhere for higher studies. My friend also moved to Delhi. While leaving he said, “One day I will be back here. And you will see me walking holding her fingers. I will always be with her and she will love me one day more than her life.” It’s been 10 years but still his words are so clear to me.

Within these years, life moved with its flow. So many things happened. Seen so many relationships built up and broke. But he remained same. Dreaming of one girl only. Holding tight his dreams to get back to his own town and to be with her. Within these 10 years the girl changed his boyfriend for thrice but my friend was stick to his dreams. One fine evening the girl got married and my friend cried hard. I said let your dream go. Move on. He denied. And one evening I got a call from a friend that ‘HE’ died in an accident. I could have expressed his dead in a very different manner but I said straight because the story doesn't end here. Truly when I heard the news, I thought may be his dreams will end up with the end of my friend. But perhaps dreams are stronger than practicality.

Yesterday, in a fine Diwali morning I was checking my Facebook page and suddenly I saw an update of the girl. She posted a picture of her with her new born child. Within a flash I heard my friend’s words. Within a moment I realized he is back. The way he told only. I can imagine him walking along with her holding fingers. I can imagine that he is loved by the girl more than her life. I do not believe in re-birth but may be now onward I’ll start believing.

Welcome my dear friend. You always had a different way of thinking. From now onward I will not sympathies your death, rather I’ll rejoice your re-birth. Welcome Back.

Unknown

It’s been a time when I am not meeting expectations. I try to have complain free time, but how much I try I get complain for not fulfilling the expectation. I always thought why I cannot be a world to someone. But recently I am realizing that I am not worth to become a world to someone.

No a days I feel that I am becoming expression less. I am loosing myself. Somehow when I stand in front of mirror, I find myself unknown. Its very hard feelings when a person becomes unknown to himself. And I am experiencing that time.

No matter what, No matter how I will change this. I will become as I was before. I don’t blame anyone. But may be time is playing with me at this moment and I am dancing with the beats. I don’t have hold on my life at this moment. It’s just flowing. But I wish that very soon, I will get the control and then may be everything will be all right.

Its Him

Whatever he has achieved, he achieved by hard work and not by luck. Luck played a good role in his life. And he became lucky for 3 times in his entire life. 1^st when the education loan got cleared, 2^nd when he got a job and third when he found a mobile from a cinema hall.

 He, a small town guy, always had a dream to become rich. He wanted to be a software engineer not because he loves software, rather through this line a person become establish within short time. A guy who has immense knack on regional language, singing, playing left all those things behind and ran after money. Becoming an engineer was somehow by his own choice and somehow not. A mediocre family of three people, a truthful father with no big dreams and a son-blind mother with huge expectations on his son pushed him to leave a cultural career behind and jump into a so called mechanical world. He was happy. He never pointed his fate for in-fortune.

Time played with him time to time. He never asked “Why ME”, rather he asked himself “How to get rid?” But now days, I find a change in him. Who always suggested his friends how to get rid of frustration, is now getting frustrated. Who always said “Give time some time”, now losing his patience. Who has hundred ways to tackle situation, now gets puzzled. He finds answer. But he doesn't have the right question to ask.

I have seen him very closely. Hardly any people have seen him so close. I fear, if same situation continues, he might lose the game. He might hang up the tune of life. He might fly from the war of life. Now a day I find a “Youthenesia” tendency in him. But in our country mercy killing is not been granted. So I fear may be some day he might think, “Enough is enough”.

Mix-Bag Mid-Sep

It’s hard to scratch a name, when you understand that you do not hold a position to become somebody. A month with mix bag scenarios, mixed emotions and a small achievement. Standing at the mid of September, I feel something I have gained and something I lost. A box cricket tournament in our office which gave me some lime light and I got the trophy of Champions, Man of the Match and Man of the Series. On the other half I lost a friend.

Time balances everything in life. But don’t know I am not at all comfortable with the balancing. It always balances in such way that takes away my joy of achievement. After few days I start feeling that might be the opposite scenario would have helped me more.

I know I am sounding foggy. It’s simply because I am finding some answers. Why life always play with me in such a way that I has to accept the hard truth. And once life decides something, why I cannot change that?

Dear Time, I am asking for a comfort zone from you. You have always been hard with me. You always taken away everything that I liked a lot. This time please keep them safe. Please don’t take it away.

Amazing August

Monsoon At Last

After a long wait finally sprinkles appeared.  It’s an awesome feeling to get drenched in 1^st rain after the scorching heat. Science people may say its harmful for health, 1^st rain consists of chlorine and other chemicals but at this point of time I am deaf for them. It’s an experience to ride through slippery high way under rain. Speed cannot be over 35 mph and when a heavy truck or 10 wheeler crosses with speed, spreading muds and with a high blow of wet air, for that moment it seemed like the last moment of my life. But then again I move on. I enjoy the rain.

Monsoon appears in this city means trip planning has been started in everyone’s mind. Waterfalls become alive; mountains become green, temp fall down. A perfect weather to hang out. A perfect weather to Booze.  A perfect weather to have tea and pakora with fag.  The only thing I don’t like is when raining starts it continues for 20-22 days non-stop. Not always heavy. Sometimes heavy rain sometimes sprinkles.

I remember my last monsoon. It was beyond my expectation. Don’t know how this time it goona treat me. But whatever it may be I welcome monsoon and wish that it reaches my city as soon as possible.

A Trip To Realize

I have never seen sea so mad. Yesterday was the day when I explored my known sea in a new way. I visited Kashid beach with my friends and family. I visited this place before. Sea was calm at that time. Beach was wide open. In our previous visit we walked, played in the beach as see didn’t roar at that time. But yesterday was different. When we stepped in and looked into the sea, we were stunned. Waves around 12 feet to 20 feet long smashing the shore and people hardly can enter into waves to have a peace bath or play. We ran into it. We moved forward 5 step and sea pushed back us 7. Long waves, sandy water and the heat resisted us to enjoy to that extend what we did in past. But it doesn’t mean became dis-appointed. So what if one day mood of the sea is bad, we sat at a distance in shadows. We had food and watched the sea how it is slowly becoming calm. We moved on to another place called Murud-Janjira. There is a fort which is middle of the sea and people used to go by boat. There was a long queue for that and we could not wait for 2-3 hours under the burning sun. So we decided to back to our home. While returning, we were crossing Kashid again and we saw the sea became calm and people were playing and enjoying as we did in past.

I was so tired. I closed my eyes and suddenly a thought came into my mind. It’s may be an intellectual and baseless thought but don’t know why at that point of time that came into my mind. Let’s summarize what we did yesterday. We visited a beach that we loved. Sea was too loud. We waited for some time and we moved on for other place. The place we went we could not make up. So we returned empty handed. Doesn’t this happen with our life? With relations that we carry? When our beloved ones become rough for some reason we don’t want to find the proper reason behind that. We don’t wait for the person to be calm. We wait for a while and we move on. Most of the cases the reason for moving on doesn’t successful and we return empty handed. And while returning we see, the person we loved are in peace. That’s the rule of nature. That’s the way how things go on. So, why not giving time to situations while they can create special moments if they get time and patience. I don’t know whether I am able to explain my weird thought here, but what I wished to say is I learned a lesson from my yesterday’s trip – Give time some time. Some more if needed.

An Incomplete Dream

I dreamed about a guy last night who is sitting in a train. It’s a luxury train where windows are graphed with beautiful sceneries and smiling faces. There are some images which can talk and the guy talk to them when he is lonely. When he tries to touch them, he cannot. They are just images.

The guy, tall dark not so handsome, was wearing a Blue T-shirt and a Jeans. Not so stylish. Not having so much dressing sense. He used to wake up in the morning and find that the images are busy with their own work. He tries to speak to them, images sometimes reply. Sometimes not. The guy realizes that he is in a train. And the train is running steadily. Not so jerking. A smooth run.

One day at night he woke up and saw all the images are sleeping. He tried to talk to them. No body woke up. He tried to touch them. He could not. He realized that how lonely he is. He went to the door. He tried to open the door. It was jammed. He tried hard and opened it at last. He found that the train is running through a desert. A rough atmosphere outside. He jumped from the train. I thought he will die. But he survived. He touched the warm sand, felt the extreme heat and smiled. I was surprised. I asked him why he jumped. He was about to answer and my alarm ringed. I woke up. I closed my eyes again to get the answer. But I could not reach to him again.

An year gone.. Is an year gone

A year has passed through. And it passed very fast. Like within a flash. I still can remember the 1st Jan of 2011 when i was on bike and sky was full of crackers. That’s how welcomed last year. The started with a small reward to me. I got my 1st promotion in Jan. Feb started with happy note where as ended up with some accidents. Then it was March. My most memorable March. My sister's wedding and a miracle. The sweetest miracle of my life. A trip to sea bay, a walk to remember, a full day with loads of fun and happiness. And then an unlucky 13 came as the luckiest 13 in my life.

April-May-June gone passed like a thunder flash in the clouds. And then a July. A same tour in a same way to the same place with the same person. But memories were different. Loads of memories. Like some unforgettable moments. And then a approach to a father for his daughter. A life time experience. I was so tensed. Prepared for so long that how he gonna behave and how I’ll face. But the reply was a googly and I was completely bowled. Still now I am practicing hard to defend that googly.

August every time gave me some dim memories. But this August, may be i will never forget in my whole life. It was mid august when i got my wings and a license to fly with the person whom i love the most. The best 65 hours in my life i spend during that time. It was a hard see off which i have ever made.

September passed in waiting to come back to my hometown in durga puja. A small tour of three days to my native place. Walking in crowded streets, having ice-cream and pani-puri together, Praying together, having endless talks made that three days lively.

November and December was bit slow. A wait is on. A wait to make some moments in coming days. December ended up with a house shifting. I changed my address and left my previous room which has lots of memories. Had loads of plans to celebrate 31st. Then suddenly a thought came to mind. Why not do something different. Why not go against the concept of boozing and roaming. I spent the whole day at home. Spent time with myself and with my most loving person and slept in peace. That’s how I welcomed this year.

Now, as the year has started, resolutions to make. I'll try to be little more responsible, little more caring; will change the logo of careless on me. Lets see..